Samantha's Musing
by Anjirika
Summary: –Long Drabble– On the eve of her leaving to go to Atlantis, Samantha thinks back on her relationship with Jack and her future without him. Nothing is resolved with a little SJ and a lot of SC friendship with some SC ship implied. PLZ R


Samantha's Musings

A/N- Here I address Sam's feelings about what could have been with Jack and what could possibly be with Cameron mere moments before she sets out to save Atlantis.

* * *

She was in her lab, her mind trying to run over all the reasons that she above all people had been chosen for this mission. She was going to Atlantis, the Apollo had managed to get a message to them saying that Atlantis hadn't arrived at the designated rendezvous and some of the scientist when crunching the number were worried that they had run out of power and if that had happened they wouldn't have much time left.

'Less than 24 hours'

That's what Sam had been told, which is why she was here looking around her lab. So much had happened within the confines of this lab over the past fourteen years that she had been working in it; from spending hours trying to get the gate to work in the first place, to trying to get rid of Urgo to tinkering with naquadah generators to ancient technology.

So much had been done in this small space, and there was so much left to be done- she could feel it. There were puzzles to solve, technology to unlock; Sam smiled wistfully to herself as she placed her warm hand on the cool table. She thought of the Ori in the Milky Way galaxy- while Adria was gone, ascended to a higher plane her human followers were still converting planets and causing havoc. Not to mention the fact that the Jaffa were on the brink of a civil war, and their one hope- the Asgard were gone.

'It's still to hard to accept,' Sam thought mournfully to herself, wiping away a stray tear that fell from her eye. 'They were such good allies- Thor was our friend and for them to be gone like that-'

But they weren't the only people to be gone from her life, Sam realised as her mind took her away from the current problems of the galaxy and into the past. Sam sunk onto the stool that she had quite often sat on and placed her head in her hands, thinking of the last two years. It was almost two years ago that General Jack O'Neill had been promoted to head up Homeworld security, Sam still remembered the conversation that she had with him-

oOo

She had been called to the General's office and she was told by Walter that he had gotten a phone call and to wait in the briefing room. She decided against that and went to wait in the doorway of his office and was shocked at what she heard.

"So you're retiring sir…?" Jack asked, his back was towards the door and he was sitting on his desk, which allowed Sam to hear his portion of the conversation. "…yes sir, I understand that you would want to spend time with your grandchildren but-----yes sir- er- George…..old habits die hard yes they do….."

Sam smiled inwardly to herself, Jack was obviously talking to George Hammond and she wondered if they would have a 'Happy Retirement' party for their former CEO when Jack stated something that made her breath catch in her throat.

"….I do seem to be always after your job don't I?" Jack laughed at his remark, still unaware of Sam behind him. "When do I start? Well, I believe that I'm to report to Washington on Monday…..yes…..you would be surprised George but five days is plenty to wrap up business here……so can you tell me what having a desk job in Washington is like sir….George right, you'll have to give me some time….. not going to tell me? Well then I guess I'll see you on Monday….goodbye George."

And with that he hung up, causing Sam to act as though she was just coming into the room. When he turned around Sam was really struck at how much he had changed in the last year. Back when they had saved the galaxy from Atlantis he was looking old but his spirit was the same- now when Sam looked at him she didn't see the Colonel that she had learned to love but a General who had the burden of command on his shoulders and retirement looming in the background.

"Carter-"

"Sir." Samantha replied with a nod. "Was that General Hammond on the phone?"

"Yes." Jack confirmed, "Yes it was, he was just congratulating me on my promotion."

"Yes, I couldn't help but over hear…" Sam stated with a smile, her mind spinning with possibilities. "…that's great sir."

"Is it?" Jack asked, looking her wistfully. "Do you think?"

"Well yes sir," Sam assured, her smile softening. "I mean with you promoted we- uh-"

"With me in Washington there won't be much opportunities to come back." Jack stated with a tone of finality in his voice as he avoided Sam's eyes.

"Surely I-" Sam began but before she could say another word she was interrupted.

"You'll probably be off saving the world and won't have much time to make any cross country jaunts."

"Well," Sam started slowly her hopes draining away. "-perhaps, but with you being the head of Homeworld security---"

"Yes Carter?" Jack asked, his tone guarded and his eyes shielded.

"---well, this is the first line of defence for the security of Earth." Sam explained, trying to make him see that this could work. "It would be only natural for you, as the head of Homeworld security to come and ensure that we are doing exactly what we should be doing…."

"My place will be in Washington Carter." Jack said finally after a moment of silence his face extremely hard to read. "And your place will be here."

oOo

'That was the most we ever talked about what was between us.' Sam thought to herself rubbing her face a couple of times to shake the memory.

She had been totally crushed when Jack had essentially turned her down. At that time, after eight years of loving him and turning down all the potential boyfriends that she seemed to attract from the various peoples that she met over the years; Narim, Martof and Pete was soul crushing. She knew that she could have been happy with any one of them but she had clung onto her feelings for the then Colonel O'Neill.

Things weren't the same after Jack had relinquished his command of the SGC and Sam could barely stand going through the gate or even work at the SGC- it was the reason she took the job at Research and Development. She had wanted to stay connect to the Stargate program but when Teal'c went off to start the Free Jaffa nation and Daniel made rumblings about going to Atlantis she knew that it was the right move.

'And then a couple months later I got that call from Cam' Sam thought with a rueful smile. 'He was so desperate to get 'the band back together' once he was assigned the post- but I couldn't come back. I wasn't ready yet.'

Of course, that was before the Ori had come and attempted to make a beachhead in the Milky Way Galaxy. That incident was enough to get her out of her wallowing and to come back and help. One thing led to another and she soon found herself going through the gate trying to stop the Priors and find a way to stop them.

It was then that she had begun to heal fully and the horrid pain that she had felt at first became a dull ache and soon disappeared into a platonic feeling. It was during this time that she really got to know Cam. Sure he was green and new at off world travel, and in the first few months made his share of mistakes. But he also had a heart of goal and put everything into making an impression and learning from what he deemed "the best."

'It was never like he was the leader.' Sam remarked to herself, thinking back to those first few months. 'Not really at least, he differed to me or Daniel or even Teal'c when necessary…he quickly became my friend until-'

The shock of losing the Prometheus still haunted her, all this time later. She remembered with acute clarity how her heart leapt into her throat when she saw that Cam was still alive and had escaped the destruction. She also remembered ever detail as they hugged, holding for just a moment longer than was acceptable for 'just friends'. He had buried his head in her shoulder and she knew that that moment had changed them- it had changed all of them. It was Earth's first immense loss in the war against the Ori and it was the newly formed SG1's first real time at almost losing each other. And Sam was surprised at how much her stomach clenched in fear when she thought of losing Cameron.

'Somehow, along the way he stopped being the new guy- the Lt. Colonel who had brought the band back together but all of a sudden he was our dear friend, a part of our family so much more than Jonas ever was.'

Sam smiled and shook her head at the thought of Jonas trying so hard to impress everyone. Right until the end he felt as though he had somehow usurped Daniel's position and tried to carve out a place for himself- and he had eventually but he had to go back to his own world just like she had to go to her new one.

There was still so much to be done Sam knew and she felt immensely guilty for leaving her home and her friends- but she was especially torn about leaving Cam. She had seen first hand what almost losing her had done to him. When she was hurt while testing out their 'invisibility cloak' she had seen the anguish and determination not to lose her on his face.

'_I don't have to face that fact, because I am not gonna let it happen.'_

She had been ready to give up to the pain at that point, and althrough her pessisim continued it had been his strength and un-willingness to let her go that kept her going. She knew that going to Atlantis was nothing like dying but she felt that with her leaving, Cam would feel like the band was breaking up.

It was true that Daniel had found an obscure reference in one of the books from Merlin's library about an 'Ark of Truth' which was supposedly more powerful than the sangraal but it had taken them about a year to find the sangraal and she figured that it would take them longer to find the 'Ark of Truth' because of its obscure reference.

"Who knows…" Sam speculated out loud to herself as she looked around her lab with her back to the door. "…maybe I'll be back in time to figure how things work out."

"Well I certainly hope so." Came a gentle voice from the doorway causing Sam to whirl around and find a smiling Cameron Mitchell leaning at her door. "I know that you don't like leaving things in the middle--"

"This isn't my choice Cam," Sam apologized for what felt like the millionth time. "-if I could have chosen I would stay here and help you guys find this 'Ark' or whatever Daniel calls it."

"I know you would," Cam assured with a sigh as he sauntered over to her and leaned against her lab bench. "-I just feel like the band's breaking up."

"We're military-" Sam reasoned. "-we go where we're told. And besides, you guys did just fine with out me for those few months…"

"I suppose," Cam agreed, crossing his arms in front of his chest gloomily. "-but not really considering that all our victories have come with you being on our side of the intergalactic bridge-"

"Cam-" Sam warned shaking her head, her blonde hair falling into her eyes.

"Alright, alright…" Cam conceded with a nod, absentmindedly reaching out and lightly brushing against her lock of hair causing her to jump slightly in surprise and brush it away quickly herself. This caused Cam to jump slightly and he continued talking- almost rambling, "…anyways. With you in Atlantis and us here- well-I was uneasy with you being at R&D and me out there trying to save the universe, now with you in another galaxy I might screw things up even more and then where will you be? You'll have problems of your own and w-"

"-don't start talking like that." Sam chastised softly and sadly as she placed a hand on his elbow, thinking back to the time that he hadn't given up on her. "You won't let anything happen. And this is only temporary- if you need my help here I will come back."

"I appreciate that Sam but-" Cam just trailed off, the déjà vu of their conversation hitting him too causing them to sit in silence for a couple moments before Sam broke it.

"Listen Cam-"

"Don't say a word Sam." Cam interrupted, his voice holding that same understanding as it had all those months ago when she had been in the infirmary. "You may think that I'm some great leader but the truth is that I'm-"

"You are more than capable of leading SG1 without my help." Sam assured softly standing up to face him, placing her other hand on his arm to try and lightly shake some sense into him. "You will be fine."

"If you say so…."

"I do say so." Sam assured more firmly squeezing him arms comfortingly. "And I know that whatever problems you come across you'll figure out."

"What if we-"

"You'll figure it out." Sam insisted, a memory floating across her mind and she could see in his eyes that he was thinking the same thing. They had had a similar conversation when they had been rendered invisible and Sam had to assure him then.

oOo

"_If they don't figure it out"_

"_They'll figure it out"_

"_But if they don't" Cam speculated, stopping Sam in her tracks and holding her by the shoulders. "What then?"_

"_I'm not sure." Sam admitted, stepping away from Cam a look of worry coming over her face as Cam continued ranting._

"_I mean it took them forever to figure out that signal which is something you would have had figured out in a few moments so this could-"_

"_-this could take them a while." Sam agreed, biting her lower lip as she thought. "Quite a while..."_

"_So then what?" Cam asked, stopping Sam once more to look at her with confusion. "What do we do then."_

"_We wait." Sam stated simply with a shrug of her shoulders, having no other answer for him. "That's all we can do."_

"_I'm not a big fan of waiting Sam," Cam pointed out, his frustration mounting as he walked away causing Sam to run to catch up. "But at least if I'm waiting, I'm glad that it's with you--"_

"_Really?" Sam asked, surprised that Cam would say that about her._

"_Really." He assured with a smile. "Teal'c would be all broody and would be silent. Jackson would be busy reading the ancient coming out of that device so he wouldn't be talking to me either- you on the other hand will talk to me so I see it as a win."_

"_Really?" Sam asked again, although this time it was more of a statement rather than a question. "Me?"_

"_It wouldn't be the same with out you Sam." Cam assured with an awkward smile. "Now how about we see if our team has figured something out yet?"_

"_Yes." Sam agreed with a friendly smile as she linked her arm in his for a brief moment as they walked. "Lets…"_

oOo

"Maybe we'll figure things out." Cam agreed shaking Sam out of the memory. "But it won't be the same with out you….we'll all miss you."

"I'll miss you all too." Sam assured with a small smile, not seeing the emotions of Cam's face. "I wish that I don't have to go, I really don't- I mean first of there's McKay and as much as he's done I know that he and I are going to be at each others throats 'cause I'll be the ones giving the orders and-"

"I'll miss you." Cam interrupted, causing Sam to look up in surprise.

He had emphasised how he would miss her, and there was a lot of subtext behind that one word and she knew that she would miss him too. Her look of surprise quickly melted and she smiled at him and nodded slightly as she realised this. She knew that she would miss Vala and their girls nights in- and that she would miss Teal'c and Daniel terribly because of all they had gone through together over the last ten years but when it came to Cameron, Sam realised that she would miss him in a very different way, and the thought of going down that road again scared her to death.

"I'll miss you too Cam," Sam stated softly, her whole demeanour changing as she looked him right in the eyes. "I really will."

And with that Cam pulled her into a tight hug. He rested his chin on her shoulder and she let her face press against his. A part of her knew that she was on unsteady ground already but another part of her felt so utterly complete in a way that she had never, ever felt. And so, they held each other for countless seconds- keeping their hug going for a couple moments longer that was expected for 'just friends'. When they finally pulled apart they could barely meet each others eyes and Sam found her heart fluttering in a way that it hadn't done in years.

'Stop blushing like a school girl-' Sam berated herself silently, aware that she was grinning. '-and stop grinning like a fool too.'

"Er- anyways…" Cam began, trying to brush away his awkwardness as well. "…I didn't come down here to make you feel guilty about leaving but the Daedalus will be at P4M-399 in about twenty minutes- they need you to gate there now to make it to Pegasus in time."

"Okay." Sam nodded, a whole host of things staying within her mind. "I take it the upgrades to the Daedalus are working beautifully?"

"Like a charm Colonel Caldwell says." Mitchell promised. "They should have everything working by the time you gate off world and you'll be in the Pegasus galaxy in a couple hours."

Sam nodded at that and took one final look before exiting her lab for what felt like the last time trying to shake the fact that she was also walking away from something else that was even more crucial and it had to do with the man walking beside her.

'Things are never simple in my world,' Sam thought forlornly to herself as she walked towards the Gateroom with Cam. 'Never…'

* * *

A/N2- Hey all, welcome to my newest stargate obsession and newest ship Sam/Cam or Camantha as I affectionaly call them. This was just Sam thinking before she's shipped of to Atlantis- in this story Season 4 would take place before 'Ark of Truth' but whether or not that really happens I have no idea- we'll see if JM responds to my post. Other than that, if you liked PLEASE REVIEW. Er-that's all, till later shippers! 


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